ইন্দ্রজিৎ বন্দ্যোপাধ্যায়ের ব্যঙ্গ ‘স্বচ্ছ ভারত’

মাইরি বলছি। এমন তাজ্জব কথা শালা বাপের জন্মে শুনিনি। হলফ করে কইতে পারি, আপনারাও শোনেননি। তবে সে নিয়ে মাথাব্যথার প্রয়োজন নেই। আমার মতো তো আর সবার কপাল পোড়া নয়। ঠাণ্ডা ঘরে বসে, চা সিগারেট পা দোলানি নিয়ে, দশটা খবর আর গল্পের মাঝে এ খেদোক্তিও চোখে পড়বে কারুর কারুর। তবে, দু চার লাইন পড়তে না পড়তেই, অন্য নোটিফিকেশনের খোঁজ নিতে দৌড়তে হবে। তা ভালো। এসব বেকার জিনিস পড়ে লাভ নেই।
বিশ্বাস করুন, আমিও আপনাদের মতোই করতাম এতদিন। আরে বাবা, শত হলেও আমরা শহুরে মধ্যবিত্ত। ভদ্রলোক। সারাদিন অফিস টফিসের পর এটুকু আমাদের ন্যায্য প্রাপ্তি। হক আছে ভায়া। এরপর আবার কারোর বিছানায় ঘাম ঝরানো আছে তো কারোর পরকীয়া। ব্যস্ত নাগরিক জীবন। সময় কোথায় বিদঘুটে সব বিতিকিচ্ছিরি ব্যাপার নিয়ে মাথা ঘামানোর! আমারও আগে ছিল না। নেহাতই গা জ্বলে যাচ্ছে হাভাতেগুলোর কথা মনে পড়লে। তাই ঝাল মেটাচ্ছি বলতে পারেন।
তো কথা হচ্ছিল আমার পোড়া কপাল নিয়ে। সুখে শান্তিতে, মালে আর মহিলাতে শহরের বুকে থাকতে থাকতেই রুরাল ভিজিটের ঘণ্টা বাজল। নাও, দৌড়ও শালা এবার নিশ্চিহ্নপুর। সাধে কী বলি, হারামজাদা কপাল!
সরকার শৌচালয় বানাবে। কার জন্য বানাবে? না কয়েকটা হাড়বজ্জাত গাড়লের জন্য। এমন গাড়লের দল তামাম পৃথিবী খুঁজলে মিলবে না। যত বলি, ওরে তাড়াতাড়ি শৌচালয়টা বানা। দেখ্, টাকা নিয়ে এসেছি। তুই বানালেই দেব। তার উত্তরে মুখ্খুরডিমগুলো কী বলল শুনবেন? ঝাঁ করে পায়ের রক্ত মাথায় উঠে যাবে। বলে কিনা, বাবু দুটো ভাত দিবি! আপনারাই বলুন এবার। ভাত নিয়ে কী করবে এই না-মানুষগুলো? সেই তো মাঠঘাট নোংরা করে বেড়াবে। তাও যদি মাঠে চাট্টিখানি ফসল থাকত তো বুঝতাম। ঠিক আছে। করুক না। সার হবে। এ মরা দেশে তো তাও নেই! এমন খরা গত দেড়শো বছরে লোকে দেখেনি। সব শুখা, বিলকুল সাফ ফেটে চৌচির হয়ে যাওয়া মাটি। বলি, এরমধ্যে কোথায় নোংরা করবি? সামান্য সিভিক সেন্স নেই মালগুলোর!
শুনিস না, সরকার বলছে:
          স্বচ্ছতা হ্যায় মহা অভিয়ান।
          স্বচ্ছতা মে দীজিয়ে ধ্যান।।
বলে বলে শালা মুখ ব্যাথা হয়ে গেল। কে শোনে কার কথা। স্বচ্ছ নির্মল ভারত না গড়ে বলে কিনা খাবার কথা। যুক্তিহীন নির্বোধের দল। হাগার জায়গা নেই, গেলার শখ ষোলো আনা!
ভাবতে পারবেন না দাদা কী অবস্থার মধ্যে পড়েছিলাম। পুরো ত্রিচী, কারুর, তাঞ্জাভুর জুড়ে এই চলছে। এমনই কপাল নিয়ে জন্মেছি যে পড়বি তো পড়, আমার ভাগ্যেই জুটেছে এ জেলাগুলো। কোথায় বাপু তাড়াতাড়ি করে কাজ গুটিয়ে ঘরের ছেলে ঘরে ফিরব। তা সইবে কেন হতচ্ছাড়াগুলোর। কাটা ঘায়ে নুনের ছিটে দিতে আবার এরমধ্যে আত্মহত্যাও শুরু করেছে বদগুলো। আমি এখানে আসার পর গত একমাসেই তো শ খানেক! বজ্জাতের ধাড়ি সব। এমনিই তো মরবি একদিন। দুদিন আগে, বা পরে। তা শৌচালয়টা বানিয়ে মরলে পারতিস। দুটো পয়সা কাট মানি পেতাম।
এখন আবার গান্ধিবাদী হবার শখ হয়েছে উল্লুকগুলোর। না হয় পেটের খিদেয় ঘটি বাটি মায় জামাকাপড়টাও গেছে। তা বলে ওরকম নেংটি পড়ে পৌনে দুশোজন প্রধানমন্ত্রীর বাড়ির সামনে ধর্না দিতে যাবি! তায় আবার সাজের কী বাহার! গলায় খুলির মালা ঝুলিয়েছে। বলে কিনা, মরে যাওয়া চাষাগুলোর মুণ্ডু গলায় ঝুলিয়ে তাদের সম্মান দেখাচ্ছে! হারামির হাতবাক্স সব একখানা করে। ঠিক করেছে পুলিশ ওখানে ঘেঁষতেই দেয়নি। তাতেও কী শান্তি আছে! সব মাগীমদ্দাগুলো গিয়ে জড়ো হয়েছে যন্তর মন্তরে। পড়তো আমার পাল্লায়। হাড় ভেঙে গুঁড়িয়ে দিতাম সবকটার। যত্তসব ন্যাকামো। তুই খেতে পাবি না খরার জন্য, আর তার দায়ভার নেবে রাষ্ট্র!
ওরে পাগল, না খেতে পেয়ে মরাটাই গরীবের ভবিতব্য রে। সারা পৃথিবী জুড়ে প্রত্যেকটা দিন এরকম কত হাজার মরছে। কারুর হুঁশ আছে? আর তোরা মাত্র চারশো মরতেই দিল্লি চলে গেলি! আপদগুলো এটাও বুঝলি না যে স্বচ্ছ ভারত অভিযান চলছে। তা ভারতটা স্বচ্ছ হবে কী করে শুনি? তোরা খাবিদাবি আর হেগে নোংরা করবি? ওসব চলবে না। জনগণতান্ত্রিক ভারতবর্ষ এটা। স্বচ্ছতা যেমন সবার অধিকার, তেমনি সবার কনট্রিবিউসানও তো লাগবে!
আর একটা কথাও না জিজ্ঞেসা করে পারি না। বল তো, না খেয়ে কে কবে মরেছে এ্যঁ? ঊনষাটের বাংলাও সরকারী লপসি খেয়ে তবে মরেছিল। না খেয়ে মরেনি। লোকে মরলে খেয়েই মরে। শহরে এসে দেখ্। ডাক্তাররা রোজ শয়ে শয়ে লোককে বলছে: খাওয়া কমান। একবেলা খাবেন; ভাত ছেড়ে পারলে ফ্রুটজুস খান।
এসব তোদের কানে চোখে পড়ে না নাকি? বলি, ওই যে খড়ের শিসটা চিবোচ্ছিস, ওতে কত ক্যালোরি আছে জানিস? জঙ্গল থেকে মূলটা ডালটা পাতাটা এনে ফুটিয়ে তো দিব্বি সাঁটাচ্ছিস। কত ভিটামিন প্রোটিন কার্বোহাইড্রেট শরীরে যাচ্ছে! অথচ বার করার জন্য নেই একফোঁটা! কী সুন্দর সব মাংসহীন ঝরঝরে পেটেপিঠে শরীর নিয়ে ঘুরে বেড়াচ্ছিস! এক অঙ্গে স্বচ্ছ ও সুস্থ ভারতের প্রতীক! পোষাচ্ছে না?! অথচ, শহরে আমরা এই শরীরটা পাবার জন্য হাজার হাজার টাকা খরচ করি।
তারপর আরেকটা কথাও ভাবার দরকার আছে বইকি। শুধু চাল দিলেই চলবে? তখন তো আবার বলবি সবজি দাও ডাল দাও তেল-নুন সব দাও। দাও, আরও দাও। মুনিঋষিরা বলে গেছেন, অত লোভ ভালো নয়। কখন আবার শেষকালে হয়তো মাছ মাংসও চেয়ে বসবি। আর তারপর? সব গিলেকুটে পরের দিন মাঠে হাগতে যাবি! ওটি হতে দিচ্ছি নে বাছা। যতই আবদারের কলরব তোল দিল্লি গিয়ে। আগে শৌচালয়। তারপর খাবার চিন্তা। খবরদার, ভুলেও আর বলবি না: বাবু এট্টু চাল দাও! তামিলনাড়ু মরছে না খেয়ে!

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